Feelings

Today, a flip has been switched where having this baby went from fun and novel to annoying and a responsibility. I’m still up for it and I think all parents go through this, but I was expecting it to be less of a cliff.

I’ve woken up the last 2 days to Rachel weeping because the baby won’t latch or is crying. She has decided to stay up all night with the baby instead of tapping me in. I requested yesterday that she aggressively wake me up, as my sleepytime anti-depressants tune ambient sound out. She didn’t do this. I’m frustrated because I need to know whether this medication will work out with the baby or whether I need to switch, which I’m not looking forward to, if I need to.

Reweighed the baby today, got more feedback that we need to aggressively feed the baby. We didn’t feed the baby before going to the appointment, which made us feel bad, and then we couldn’t feed her until we go home because she was too gassed up.

So far so good with Lydia. She seems to be latching and eating a bunch. She’s pooping the right amount and it looks like a tar pit.

I feel guilty that my remeron is allowing me to sleep through the night undisturbed. I’m going to adjust the amount in advance of meeting with my doctor to see if I can sleep but still be able to wake up and help.

The time that Liddy was sleeping for 2 hours and we were just joking around. Kettle Baby Squats!

The shaken baby videos were massive killjoys. Necessary, but really messed us up.

The baby is born!!!

Rachel was in labor all weekend. Contractions were 10 minutes apart on Sunday evening and she couldn’t sleep. I woke up and decided she needed to go to the hospital. We get there and they are like “We will probably need to send you home” but then checked her and were like “Oh you’re 4cm dilated”

We get into the room and Anjie is with us the whole time, thank god. It was so great to have someone to tap to help out as I got exhausted later on. She cut the cord, which is something I just didn’t want to do.

The only thing that went wrong was Rachel’s first epidural was not properly installed and she was in intense pain for about an hour and a half before it got fixed. I got a little snippy but kept it together.

Rachel was in the delivery room over 12 hours but she only had to push for 24 minutes. The wonders of modern medicine and all the pelvic floor PT.

When she came out, she was a quiet baby. The NICU fellow had to come down and do a bunch tests before skin on skin. It was the most scared that I was during the whole birth and I truly felt powerless. But, she kept squirming and it turns out that the combination of mom’s Zoloft and all the epidural drugs just made her sleepy.

During skin on skin, she latched and got a little meal. All in all, pretty smooth delivery, tho it took a very long time.

I finally fell asleep at 5am and it’s been pretty quiet so far.

• Rachel’s early labor is becoming more active. We went on a walk and ended up at Taverna Kyclades for a delicious lunch.
• Finished season 3 of The Wire just in time for baby to show up.
• My last grandma is dying. It’s sad but I don’t feel much.

• Rachel is experiencing early labor and I think the baby is coming this weekend! Said my goodbyes at work.
• Rushed to scaffold up side projects so that I can vibe them out once the baby comes. I got my lil texting agent up so that’s good. Got to figure out the tennis stuff.
• Made an absolutely fantastic shrimp masala.

• Did more work than yesterday, tho still on the lighter side. Trying to close out all my PRs before I go.
• Did some last minute gardening setup. Planted some cucumbers and a Japanese maple to replace my dead hydrangeas
• Rachel’s mucus plug popped so we might be on our way!

• Gym was very fun
• Had a baby appointment with Rachel and turned into us heading to labor and delivery to get her checked out in triage. Everything is okay, but it was a little exciting to imagine the baby coming so soon.
• Stayed up too late and ate too much watching the Spurs.

“The yarn is tearing this family apart!” (The cats were fighting over a ball of yarn)

Ran the stuff in the nursery to the storage unit, all purging of stuff is now done! 🎉

We spent the evening doing or relationship scrapbook. All most all the longstanding projects are done. I need to do some harnessing on some personal projects such that I can build them on my phone.

Still not 💯, but was able to do a full day of work. Not much to really report.

It was a day of contrasts

Pro: Did a PR of deadlift (285lbs)!

Cons: I was violently ill from food poisoning. I was shivering and I couldn’t keep food or water down.

Rachel yelled “oh my god. OH MY GOD” and I thought her water broke. I ended up crying in bed because I felt helpless and weak.

• Gym was fun this morning! Sled drags!
• Full on senioritus at work.
• Spurs v Thunder was so good

• Anjie came over to talk baby support stuff. So nice to catch up. I made some creamy lemony chickpeas for lunch.
• Hung some blinds, mounted the baby gate and just did more cleaning. I was on my feet basically all day.

• Great workout at the gym. I’m getting pushups down!
• Spent the day cleaning and cooking. Made a spicy pulled pork that we were able to split up into freezable pouches for when baby comes.

• Started working on the couch. I think I’m getting sensitive to having work invade my private life.

• Worked out hard, tho working on my temporary desk the day before fucked up my back in a bad way.
• Work went okay, I’m way over subscribed with the drudgery of work.
• Thursdate! Rachel planned a fancy dinner in our neighborhood at Ramro. Highlight of the dinner for me were the mushroom skewers and the duck fat Daiquiri

• Worked very late (9pm in office), was QAing and trying to make the test suite faster because people a big mad about it.
• Baby doctor visit was nice, she’s so good and the baby is doing just fine.

• Knicks won!
• Had a really good work out with a new program! My form is good!
• Simultaneously got teary eyed and ready to run through a wall reading about what a father should do week one of baby, LFG

• I made a field pea stew with some chorizo and smoke paprika. Very tasty and good use of time.
• Did some gardening. Worried that I’m getting a little extra with my tomato planting, but we shall see.
• I didn’t get around to some of the baby tasks I needed to handle, but it’s okay.

• Emily visited and gave us helpful feedback on baby related things.
• Really good gym session, excited for new program on Monday!
• Rachel and I kept watching The Wire, my goodness it looks good in HD

• Was on edge all day because I had my performance review. It was generally positive (I’m doing good work) but the big thing I need to work on is being more positive about my work and being friendlier and more of a mentor. I was told that my energy is infectious, both good and bad.
• Adi is leaving 😭 and Nick is going remote indefinitely, so coming back to the office after paternity might not be a thing.
• Skipped date night because I got dragged out for drinks after work.
• Came home to Rachel watching The Wire, which is a welcome development.

• Everybody is in town for work and it’s going okay. Rough day with a frustrating bug where the app was refreshing like crazy.
• Ate dinner alone as Rachel had a dinner with Natalie.

• Spent the day doing nesting activities. Got the bassinet setup and did some user testing to figure out the space
• Stav’s birthday party! They didn’t reserve a room at the karaoke spot so we had to pivot to another bar in the rain. Was nice to see people, tho I did get a little drunk

• Quiet day working from home. Got a little sad during demos when it was brought up, yet again, that bespoke frontend UIs are going away and the stuff I am working on is useless
• Poetry night hangout with Holden was fun

• Gym went well
• Rachel and I got in a little fight about date night. She wanted to just walk to Astoria Park, which is fine, but would take me a long time to get back here in time for us to enjoy a walk after dinner. I politely suggested that Central Park would be better schedule wise and that we won’t be able to go there because of the baby soon. Rachel’s concern was going up the stairs to the train to get there and that I was putting too much pressure on date night
• Work went pretty okay!
• The date night at Central Park was fun tho! It was quite beautiful and we did some people watching. Went to a nice Mediterranean restaurant called Miriam that I ate was too much food at.

• Woke up very late and very sore
• Work was fun, fixed a longstanding responsiveness issue
• Made a broiled miso tofu dish, was pretty good
• Finished It Takes Two with Adam! We saved a marriage!

• Slept for like 10 hours overnight. Woke up feeling sore from yesterday, but it was worth it.
• Assembled some more baby furniture and kept cleaning.
• Made crispy salmon with a salad with all the fixings. Rachel’s glucose levels were perfect after it.

• It was a home improvement day! I rented a UHaul to cycle the winter stuff out and summer stuff from our storage unit. We were able to move everything without fighting. I even got our old, very reliable, super Jorge to come and reinstall the ACs, mount a shelf and, most importantly, mounting a shower curtain rod on our marble/cement bathroom.
• After the moving, we had time with the UHaul to run to the garden center. We got some flowers, purple basil and red peppers for our garden, as well as a bunch of soil. Did a little gardening after cleaning.
• Our apartment is dusty and we need to fix that asap. Can’t have the baby coming home to filth.
• My favorite memory of the day was taking the UHaul to an Italian sandwich spot a mile from us and getting sandwiches. We ate them off the side of the UHaul and it was very Rob coded. I got a sandwich that was just toasted raviolis, mozzarella and vodka sauce.

• Woke up early and put in some hard work at the gym!
• Work was relatively quiet, just keep crushing on this redesign.
• Felt the baby for the first time!

• Woke up early for the gym. Finished Demon Copperhead, which made tear up but was just such a good book.
• I’m in the zone at work, just doing my thing.
• Came home to Rachel’s surprise date night. We had a lil picnic on the floor of the apartment. She got way too much street meat. We played Scrabble.

• Couples therapy went really well.
• I’m just cruising at work.
• Regular therapy was good, we went deep on the letter from the Maupins making me cry a bit. DADDY DIDNT LOVE ME LOL

• I did it all! Woke up very early to go to the gym, then an ultrasound with Rachel (Liddy is in the 64th percentile) and then a relatively good day at work.
• I got home to Rachel panicking about dinner and I had to finish that off for her, as she was about to make pasta, which is bad for her.

• After the rocky start to the day, things settled down a bit and work went okay.

• I overslept and missed my gym class. This put me on a spiral of “I’m stupid, I should have set an alarm, I’m so dumb” and punching my leg in anger. Rachel literally didn’t say a word so after she left, I was just like “I’m not supported, I have to do all the supporting in this house, she’ll be like ‘It’s too early’ which always fucking is for that sleepy bitch. I have to do everything around here and I’m not allowed to not be okay, it’s fucking bullshit” and then I cried for a minute.
• Was able to get gym booked for tomorrow, but this ruminating has made me later for work than I’d like and has befouled my mood before I even get to work. Great start to the week ☹️

• Baby shower! It was so nice that everyone showed up and was so supportive.
• I got a letter from Margret and Gordon Maupin that made me cry a lot. It wasn’t even that serious, but I just overwhelmed me that they thought of me.
• Rachel left for the Berkshires so I just relaxed bachelor style

• Pizza day at work! Got a lot done and had a fun lunch and learn.
• New program at the gym, bit more baby than I’d like, but it’ll do
• I planned a simple date night of Mexican food. We ended up seeing the end of Bolivia’s football match from the World Cup playoffs with a bunch of lively Bolivians. They were quite happy they came from behind and won

• Rachel and I hashed out the fight from the morning. She needs to be more specific about what she’s scared of and what she needs. I need to be more patient and not require so much rationalization.
• Inshallah we finished this crunchy birthing class! Things we spent more time on than changing a diaper: having the baby sleep in the bed with you (good?), informed consent, circumcision, and breathing. 15 hours of this crap.

• One of the worst fights of our marriage. We’re both stressed and she has some intense hormones.

• Shipped my work fastball! Very happy with how it turned out!
• Discussed UI refactor, should be a fun lil project.
• Dentist 🦷! My teeth are perfect!
• I’m so excited for birthing class to wrap up. 15 hours is just too much.

• Our first formal State of the Union was a big success. I got a retro template down, a shared todo list created, etc. I think we made good progress on the things we needed to talk about and plan for baby.
• KAdam’s birthday party in Bushwick!

• Great workout at the gym that I sucked at parts of
• Came home to discover Rachel had not been paying into her student loans for the past year or so because of this bitch ass administration killing the SAVE plan without an immediate replacement (which should have just been IDR). As a result, the PSLF forgiveness date has been pushed back to 2030. This sucks because it low key pushes back any date we could buy NY property to that date. Rachel cried when I explained this and went into a panic attack. I tried to calm her down and we are going to talk to an accountant about this asap
• I tried to clean the apartment but I’m just lazy now.
• Anjie’s game night was fun!

• What an awful day. I was on deadline for a new feature, cruising right on time for delivery when… I find an existing feature not working as I thought at like 6pm. Just started kicking my chair and groaning cause I was so mad.
• It didn’t help that I was at my computer for the whole day without breaks and lunch. That has to stop.
• Logged off late and couldn’t fall asleep.

• Management log: I was a little short with Adi this morning when he asked for help for an explanation on why a test might be failing. I should have been more curious instead proscriptive and paired with him.
• Went to gym for the first time since our Dublin trip 🏋️‍♂️. Got some tightness after SSBs that sorta knocked me out. I wasn’t get ER on the squat.
• I think the fastball at work is gonna slide in right on time without bugs 🐛
• Rushed home to eat dinner with Rachel and take a dusk diabetes walk. We listened to Are You Mad At Me? and it struck a chord with both of us in a different ways. The chapter we listened to was about the fawn response, which Rachel has but I do not (I freeze). My hyper vigilance comes from being fired and a lil homeless, which I’m still dealing with.

• Last couple days have been a blur. Caught a fastball at work that I’m hammering away at while being a little bored with it.
• Had couples counseling yesterday. I got a little yelled at because I’m too silly during them. We are going to move our state of the union to earlier on the day on Sundays so we can focus better and generate more to talk about.
• Had counseling today. I’m going to start journaling more about my challenges with managing and mentoring.

• Rachel got a diagnosis of gestational diabetes that really put a damper on the day. I tried my best to support, but she needs to go through it.
• Made carrot and bean soup, so tasty, but I had to do a lot of cooking. I wasn’t planning on making broth, but I couldn’t close the freezer after shopping, so needed to use the chicken scraps.

• Had an early morning baby doctor visit. We asked some of the questions from the birthing class and got extremely favorable answers (induce at 41 weeks, evidence based approach). Baby is also healthy.
• Work had a fire that I was not a part of. Was able to focus on what needed to get done.
• Went to a Kabalat Shabbat at the local synagogue for the first time. Seems like a nice community, though a little small. Met a nice couple that lives near by that we stayed out late talking to.

• Birthing classes have been hell on my schedule. I’m excited to have a normal week sleep wise next week.
• Work is fun when I’m able to play loose and juggle somethings.
• I need to set an alarm to leave work by 6:30 so I’m not getting home at 8 for dinner.

• Woke up early in Dublin and went to bad late in NYC. 6+ hour flights are no joke.
• Got halfway through a bunch of shows. The Lowdown (fun but couldn’t quite stick the landing), Chad Powers (I’m enjoying it, but it’s Eastbound without the jokes) and Say Nothing (bummer of show that is just acted okay).

• The back half of the Dublin trip was awesome! We did the Guinness Storehouse (very touristy, but fun, we learned how to pour a pint), did a 1916 uprising walking tour (highlight of the trip) followed by the Kilmainham Gaol (that one really got to me, just how carceral Irish society was during the famine). Lots of brews and music and walking in between.
• Rachel and I were happy to get out for a bit. It’s our last adult vacation before the baby, so that was nice.

• Going through the Daylio list, I really did it all today. Today was also ~40 hours, so that helped.
• My day started in Queens at 6am. It was raining hard as I dragged my full sized suitcase to the train as I went to work. I drank a Celsius and ate an apple fritter on the train to work.
• Work went okay, was still on bug patrol, but I shipped some good features that we will realize the value of later. I got a giant Italian sandwich for lunch, only half of I ate.
• Left at 5pm to take the train to JFK. TOOK THE AIRTRAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME, WHAT A RUN DOWN SITUATION. For an 8 dollar train ticket, I’m not asking for much, just not to almost get kicked in the face by an unhoused person making a literal witches laugh.
• On the train, I started listening to Fear and Fury, which is a book about Bernie Goetz. Great read and I can understand where he was coming from in that moment and that moment only.
• Took a flight to Ireland at 9:15pm, during which I experienced another 6am without really sleeping (was watching The Lowdown, which is excellent). Landed at 9am, got to hotel by 10:30am, took a quick cat nap until 2pm.
• Wandered around Dublin! We went to several green spaces, drank warm tea together, bought some baby clothes and were very wholesome on our Babymoon until dinner.
• At dinner, things got a little sloppy. Had a filet medium rare with an “Irish Lager” (Murphy’s not Guinness). The steak was so good and beer just washed it down perfectly. After that, we went to a bar to listen to live Irish music and watch Rugby. I had a Smithwick red ale and two Jameson’s (from a wall tap no less). After that, we saw more live music (Country Roads in Ireland went stupid hard) and I had a Kilkenny and another Jameson along with it. Good and sauced at this point.
• Went back to the hotel and made passionate love and finally to bed at midnight the next day.

• Really got into flow state at work. So many agents.
• Birthing class was fun! Birth is gonna be fun for us

• Work went okay. Launched the thing I’ve been focused on for too long. Just doing cleanup until the next stuff comes.
• Watched a birthing video in advance of our birthing class tomorrow. It made it look easy and we were giggling during it.

• Slept 10.5 hours last night, the toll of the previous week came due. Bed rotted and watched American Gangster.
• Rachel and I cooked a dinner together without fighting. It helped that I explained what I was thinking before we started and showed how I wanted certain things.

• Finished Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking. Ending hit hard and got me thinking about how it could apply to my life.
• Gym really kicked my ass and had to tap out. SSB step ups were killer.
• Spent the day preparing French Onion beans in advance of Anne stopping by for dinner. Both turned out fine.

• It was nice to be relatively unburdened at work and able to focus on wrapping some stuff up instead of being on the clock. I wasn’t the blocker today!
• Lawn Club was fun. I liked the trash can beer pong competition with Gabo and nice to have a heart to heart with Sean.
• The thing I need to keep in mind is that tomorrow is a new day and I cannot carry forward negativity that I’ve been feeling at work because of mismanaged projects. The help is here and I have to believe that things are gonna get good.
• Got home and just had fun talking to Rachel about our days and what we are thinking about. I really needed that.

• It just sucked to work late again, especially when I thought I was going to be able to get home for dinner.

• Woke up early and shoveled the snow
• On deadline until Wednesday, gotta get these filters shipped shipped shipped
• Very envious that Rachel got the day off

• Went to Long Island to visit Alex, Kat and their baby. They gave us a bassinet! I’m so happy for them and they were such great hosts!
• Beat the blizzard back. Just chilled.
• Made bean tostadas with the beans made yesterday. So much great flavor.

• Weather was so fun! We walked through Times Square (Rachel hated it) after seeing a movie. As someone tweeted, “weekend before shutdown vibes in 2020” as there is a blizzard tomorrow.
• Saw Nirvana The Band The Show The Movie and really liked it. We hadn’t seen any of the web series/television show, but the characters were so lovable and funny and so dumb. For a movie that cost $2 million, really creative shooting to make it work.
• Made pinto beans using some leftover bacon fat. Oh my god, it was so good. Gonna roll those into two meals as a part of the blizzard.

• Work was rough. I had a hard problem to solve that I tried to craft a prompt off of to one shot but failed. I’m going to take the planning document on Monday and do discrete shippable tasks that will be easier to review.
• Logged off completely wiped. Didn’t even have lunch. Got a little stoned and watched You Got Mail. New York is the fucking best man. Rachel was weeping at the end.

• Was able to do the gym today! Foot still hurt a bit and it did affect my deadlifts, but I made the best of it.
• The endorphins from the gym made work very bearable. It’s nice when things are moving forward.
• Rachel insisted on a local date night at the Queens Room. Pretty good!

• Work was successful and I’m having some fun!
• Played games with Adam. I’m so happy for him!

• My foot still hurt, so skipped the gym again
• Work was quiet and I was able to focus on filtering, which was nice. Want to get that wrapped up ASAP

• Rachel and I worked through the Valentine’s Day SNAFU. I said my piece, she cried a little, but I don’t think I was out of line in what I said and she agreed.
• Stav visited! So nice to see them!
• My left heel bothered me all day, yet I kept pushing myself on it.
• Spent the weekend finishing some books! A Man of Many Fathers (loved it, very funny and was interesting what was similar from my life when I was a poor young man), American Kings (Wickersham can write about football, man) and Empire of AI (I need to limit my AI information consumption otherwise it makes me little crazy)

• Got the urge to clean so I went to town on the apartment.
• Rachel picked up the stroller and we assembled it at the storage unit. It’s starting to feel real.

• We really did it all!
• Started the day off with a killer workout (stretching + class). Rachel showed up for the class so that was nice.
• After that, we vibed and then went grocery shopping for the weekend. Going to try to eat more fruit this weekend as the default snack.
• We went to a Mardi Gras party! It was nice to meet some other Jewish people there and learn that the conservative synagogue in our neighborhood isn’t homophobic and that we should probably go.
• I was a little overwhelmed in the party and sorta hid. I’m not doing good with loud rooms lately.
• Got back and tried to have a successful Valentine’s Day dinner. Dinner turned out great, but Rachel’s desert sorta killed the mood.
• Watched Roman Holiday, which was an early Audrey Hepburn flick with Gregory Peck. It was very cute and had a thinker of an ending.

• Stressful day but we’re only looking up for the long weekend and work will be better next week
• Watched Sleepless in Seattle. I wish we could live in the PNW, but alas, I’m a city boy now. Couldn’t make that movie today in that no streamer would all you to have that big of stars not be on the screen together with dialogue until the last scene.
• I’m grateful that Rachel stay up a little late so we could cuddle and talk. I felt the most love I’ve felt in a bit just now.

• Did a lot at work, but shipped just a little. Had fun profiling code to debug an issue.
• Woke up early for the gym, still had time to pick up a bagel and make it to work before 9am.
• Had a Celsius at like 5pm and came home wired. Lots of joking around.

• Work was hell in that not much moved and I juggled too much. Oh well, tomorrow will be better.
• Had personal AND couples therapy AND also got a little too personal with a coworker about my anxieties of the future.
• The homework for couples therapy is that Rachel and I need to cook some meals together and write about it independently in a Rashomon style assignment.

• Gotta really nice workout this morning that carried good vibes through the day.
• Only downside is that I worked in the office until 8pm. Didn’t need to, but did to make up time for tomorrow.

• Went on a long weekend trip to Miami for a wedding. It felt great to have sun touch parts of my body that hasn’t experienced it in so long. Even got a lil sunburn.
• It was so nice to see Rachel’s friends. They are so solid and nice.
• Flew back to 10 degree weather 😭❄️
• Super Bowl was fun because I love defensive football. Just made a lil potato soup for dinner.

• Had to fast all day for an ultrasound. Hope my liver is okay lol
• I’m just floating along doing what I can. I don’t really feel like I have a good aim at work. But I’ll be supportive.

• Back to the grindstone. Almost done with this project and can dream again.
• I’m just emotionally blank and tired. Gotta make it to midweek and get to Miami

• Took a long walk to run some errands around the neighborhood. Got a tie + pocket square + socks and bought a trash can for recycling.
• Made a caramelized fennel past for dinner. Used sausage to make the spicy oil and then deglazed with Vermouth. Very unhealthy, but very tasty.
• Rachel and I were a little distant and in our own worlds reading. We need to make more time for us.

• Woke up early to hit the gym. 3x this week! Got a good one in today.
• We were supposed to go to Long Island to see Alex + Katherine, but that fell through because she was sick. We will go next month.
• Picked up my suit for the wedding and got a haircut.
• Roasted 🦐 shrimp and 🥦 broccoli rabe for dinner. So good!
• Rachel was gassy all day on account of her being pregnant 🤰
• I was grateful to just watch YouTube videos with Rachel today about frogs

• Work went really well. Finally got the feedback I needed to move forward.
• Made pesto beans for dinner. I also skipped lunch, which really has been putting me in a spot calorie wise I don’t like.
• Watch Bugonia! Yorgos, you did it again, you beautiful Greek genius of a man!

• Work was less stressful and had bit of good news. They are releving me to a better job title! If I can just get this project off my plate, I’ll be happy.
• I’m grateful that Rachel and I cackled in bed at this DBT coping strategies worksheet and all its awful ideas.

• All around frustrating day! Train was late! Had to work late! Changes!
• Got some direction at work about process changes. Cautiously optimistic about them, gonna be asking a lot and can’t hide, but so it goes.
• Missed eating dinner with Rachel cause of work. Should have done a better job communicating my schedule as well.

• I don’t know why I even went into the office today. No one was there and it was gross out.
• I’m getting 12 weeks of paid paternity! I thought I would only get 5-6, so this is a big deal.
• Heard a bit about the changes we are making at work. We will see what’s up about it more tomorrow.

• ❄️ Snow day!
• 🌯 Meal prepped burritos with leftover beans. We have food for the week!
• Screenshared my laptop with Rachel to look over the baby registry. Made a lot of progress. Had a great laugh about baby walkers being dangerous.

• Storm prep day! Made a big batch of chicken tortillas soup and will prep burritos instead of going outside.
• I’m powering through The Gods of New York. The 80s were a crazy time.
• Finished A Space for the Unbound. What a beautiful game with a touching story. Canny believe how up my alley it was.

• I just feel a little bit of terror when I think about work. It’s like bailing water out of a sinking boat. It doesn’t need to be, but I’m making it that way.
• Part of it is that I have a light flu going on. Why am I waking up so sore and queasy.

• Work was hell. I’m sick and I’m powering through to meet a deadline. I’m not seeing the point of the deadline, but I’m rolling with it.
• Couples therapy was helpful. I kinda steered it a bit more than in the past. I need to investigate more coping strategies, gentle startups, and the relationship house.
• Worked late and spent even more time cooking a dal for dinner. It wasn’t too spicy, but had flavor and was very good for me.

• Work was a whole thing. Excited to wrap up this project.
• I literally have nothing else on my mind. It’s empty.

• Gender reveal! We’re having a girl. I did get a little pissy at Rachel’s friend who was filming unnecessarily. But it all worked out at the end.
• Rachel: “Sometimes, I don’t know how to comfort you”
• Stayed up late watching the National Championship. Indiana!!!

• My body demanded a lazy day. Slept in, started Mad Men, and watched a lot of football. I was just too tired.

• Went to Flushing to do some baby shopping. We ended up buying a stroller after some delicious soup.
• I’m grateful for that trip and walking in the snow with Rachel
• Made chicken breast au poivre for a very late dinner. It was pretty good!

• Went into work in the office today to keep trying to get this dumb project over the line. Still feel no closer, but at least it appreciated.
• Watched the Sara Squirm standup special, I loved it and how gross it was. REEEEELAAAAXXXX

• Worked extremely late. Realized I didn’t QA some work closely enough AND just more bugs popped up that put things in peril for tomorrow. AND I HAVE TO GO IN TO THE OFFICE FML!!!
• Got a quote back from a nursery of $30k a year 😵‍💫
• I got home and asked about said quote and made Rachel cry as she has no idea of our finances.

• Woke up in a rush, but couldn’t eat until my blood was drawn.
• Worked through lunch in a minor panic. Gotta ship this API, but I also think I hit a flow state with 3 Claude Code sessions so that was fun.
• Had a therapy session where I complained about my wife for an hour. Walked away not feeling great about it, but talked to Rachel later about it and I think we got somewhere. She’s gonna explain some of the baby shopping ideas for me and I’m gonna work to make the space work. Also, phone free friday nights.

• We met our new OBGYN and saw new pictures of our baby! We like her and are happy with our switch to Cornell.
• Heat is getting turned up at work. Gotta keep the pressure up. Worked very late.

• Cleaned and cooked all day. Did so much domestic labor.
• Minor flare up around rugelach. Rachel went to a store that sold nothing but it, bring me back none of it because she thought I would think it’s “too shortbready” or whatever that means. I got a little short because I did all the domestic labor today while Rachel just got to hang out with a friend and I couldn’t even get a single rugelach.

• Extremely busy day! Rented a UHaul to move some stuff in our apartment to our storage unit. Rachel and I didn’t fight once and I had a blast driving around the neighborhood. We didn’t fight once and just got along super well.
• The gym was great this morning. We talked a bunch about Hegseth’s trash ass kettlebell swings. I got better form than him!

• Personal and couples therapy went well.
• Personal therapy: I need to stop seeing everyone at work as literal competition. I also need to really focus on 1-3 things that I’m grateful for.
• Couples therapy: I need to turn down doing bits about 25%, especially when Rachel is sad. Let her be in it for a bit before rescuing her.
• Coding with LLMs sucked all my energy yesterday. I have working code, passes test locally, fails in the CI, and I have to loop on how to fix it in a distracting way. Oh and it was two sessions doing this.
• Gratitude: Rachel for sharing as much as she did during couples therapy. We are still in love, we just need to find time for that to simmer together.

• Meeting the new VP went pretty okay. Super nice and listened well. We will see how it goes.
• The thing about running multiple Claude sessions is that it’s a lot of context switching. Very exhausting.
• Team dim sum dinner, too much fried food.

• First day back at the office, snacked way too much. Gotta tamp that down.
• Got home pooped, but stayed up too late playing Final Fantasy Tactics

• Slept in but didn’t have a lazy day. Went to our empty storage unit to scope it out and then took the ACs out of our window.
• Made a very spicy shrimp marsala curry for dinner. I should have tasted a bit more than I did, but it was still tasty.

• Went to the gym early and really just powered through my workout.
• Got back home with my mind buzzing about the game I’ve been kicking around in my head for a year now. Sat down and got Claude Code working with the Godot MCP and I’m just vibing now. Core game loop is 20% there and rolling.
• Ended the day watching One Battle After Another with Rachel. CINEMA! PTA did it again. Man he’s got a TYPE!

• Welcome back! Lots going on in general, but today was just a boring slog
• Rachel had the day off and I’m very jealous. She watched Heated Rivalry without me, I need a divorce.
• Finished Expecting Better while at the gym. Need to read the sequel to see how Emily Oster’s husband can be the worst dad

• Therapy went really well. We are going to do some couples therapy just to get us ready for the next phase of our life.
• How am I 35 and still fighting GitHub Actions?
• Roasted a whole chicken over cabbage, always a winner of a meal.